无奈无助

Relaxing weekend

Location: Grand Hyatt @ Shanghai

This weekend is rather relaxing to me: only 1 tutorial designed for my Marketing module and an evening gathering at a local colleague's home. That's it. I can do whatever I want (or I have to...). I can devote more time and energy to my MBA now.

Gee it is really hard to concentrate at night after a long day at office!!

Suddenly find that such a weekend is extremely relaxing and refreshing. I can KO my MBA reading and other preparations much more effectively and efficiently too.

What a dilemma now... Juggling between my work, my MBA studies and my tutorials in HK... Last evening a mentor-like friend shared (or was it a warning?) the following:

Now there are 2 key things that you have to take good care of:
1) your major income source: your perm job now
2) your major investment: your MBA
Other commitments should not take a higher priority than these 2. Think big and broad.

I know that well by heart yet to be honest, it will be such a big pain to sacrifice my major source of satisfaction and accomplishment... It has been true since I started my tutorials years ago.

On the other hand, my friends have also hit another core of the question if I continue my tutorials: I am unlikely to devote as much as I could to teaching them well coz I will have to cancel my tutorials from time to time and become too exhausted to be a good tutor anyway. In short, what good am I doing to them?

What should I do le... ?

滴著眼淚

滴著眼淚　滴著眼淚
但這淚珠經已無意義
滴著眼淚　滴著眼淚
但我沒法將心抑壓住

給我這個迷路女子　抹去了淚兒
講過千次忘掉痛楚　說是容易

淚水　飄灑宇宙中　碰到冷風吹
令到天與地密怖　灰燼及無盡的雨水

A very gloomy extract of a song, right? Yet ironically it is a very vivid and reflective description of my current state.

Rain, Fragments, Ashes

Seem to be lingering along the edge of breakdown or relapse. Paralysis. Yes, too heavily paralyzed to think logically and rationally, let alone plan or act sensibly.

BUT come to think of it. Is it something that I have to consider with LOGIC and RATIONALE?? OR is it something that should be governed by something else??

I don't know what. I don't know why. I don't know how.

How should one strike a neat balance between action paralysis and recklessness?
Why am I feeling so bad?
What should be my next steps? 

...

For unknown reasons, I feel extremely bad. really bad now

Don't ask me why as I really DON'T KNOW

and not knowing the causes of such uneasiness and anxiety makes me feel even worse and irritated!!!!!!!!!

Wanna cry and scream out LOUD so much!!!!!! And I wanna throw away this and that!!!

Even more irritated when I catch sight of those...

Feeling alone and lonely at the same time is the worst thing anyway...

Not sure if anyone of you can make sense of it... what has been deemed as usual / routine / common is becoming such an enormous burden on me that I find myself helplessly struggling and suffocated.

Paralysis... Procrastinaton... Possessiveness... Perfectionism

Contradictory, but that's sth which keeps popping up in my mind

Directionless, to boil down everything into one single description

Ridiculous, huh?

Caught in the Middle

I do doubt it a lot. And I may be falling apart...

I like it, but I don't know whether it is a suitable path for me on a long-term basis. Are the signals show-stoppers already? Or are they just hurdles that I have to clear?

Or are they just the same, depending on my perspective?

I feel so numb now. Tears keep rolling off even when I am not alone. That thought is criss-crossing as well.

The courage to confront it is diminishing and dwindling. I just can't help shaking whenever the thought of addressing and combatting it pops up in my mind.

A close friend once said that FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

But still, it is so real that it is daunting me again and again.

I do not feel understood either. Or am I expecting too much? Am I demanding too much?

How could this be ... ?

我很害怕要真正地去面對